How I Really Feel Friday ~ A Bitter Pill to Swallow

My ex (exasperated) shares too much, but always has. He has a new job. He stopped by yesterday and was quite chatty and we talked about the new job. Mind you, I used to encourage him to ditch the Union and take a job like he has now because he spent many years unemployed for long stretches. On occasion as long as a year or more once or so. Not so bad but he wasn't the house husband type either so things at home weren't getting done either. Granted he took a $10/hour cut in pay BUT he will collect a check for 52 weeks of the year.

It seems he doesn't party either much anymore as well. Great...seems like he's cleaned up the act a bit. Now that he has a girlfriend and all. I mean 18 years of nonsense for me...the doormat apparently. Busting my a$$ working, coming home, running to do errands and groceries, cleaning up the mess at home from the unemployed husband who didn't do those sorts of things, and/or take care of the child when she was small, and/or couldn't because he partied too much.

So he shows me his pay stub and is asking me once again for help in reading it correctly as far as why his vacation time wouldn't show up, etc. I can't help but notice he's using the girlfriend's address on his pay stub. So I ask him, does he stay there all the time now? No, he replies, I go back and forth but needed to put her address because they let him put her on his health insurance and her health insurance was expensive. Hmmm. No comment from me.

(Thoughts spinning inside my head but never verbalize) Don't insure my child. I'll do that. Always have. Glad ya cleaned up your act. Thanks for torturing me all those years...I've known some stray cats that behaved better. No resentment here. I'm sure this girl has never seen that side of him.

I know you promised my kid your car to drive around in. I told you not to make promises you can't keep. Kept promising. Now that car is going to the girlfriend to drive and the girlfriend's car is coming to your kid. The two door small car that a new driver should not be driving. A standard shift that the kid can't drive. Yes, I want that car parked in my driveway. Oh yes, I'll help you insure that car. (Not.)

Even if we're in our own relationship and relatively happy, these things bother us. I look at him standing in my kitchen and am happy that he seems motivated by this new job. I coach him to help him along. He turns to me for this as he knows I can do this for him. I continue to watch him and am quietly thinking, he's cute, he finally seems to be not partying and putting work first. Knots in my stomach each time he casually mentions the girlfriend's name. Quietly wondering why couldn't he had been like this for me. Anger inside because I know he still doesn't understand that these were the problems that led to the divorce. Quietly chewing on it all.