Friday, March 16, 2007

How I Really Feel Friday ~ the old boyfriends always turn up

Exactly two weeks ago I was reading the online obits from the local paper and I noticed that an old boyfriend's dad had passed. I signed the online guest book and included that the family could see my e-mail address.

A brave move for me, as this was the only boyfriend I've ever had that I didn't keep communication or really good terms with after we parted. He was so angry when we broke up that we didn't communicate. Our lives moved on, we married, had children, etc. and bumped into one another many years ago at another friend's parent's wake where for the first time since we broke up we spoke on friendly terms.

Well, lo and behold about 3 days after I signed the guest book I got an e-mail from that boyfriend thanking me for the kind words I left. We've been communicating through e-mail ever since and we've spoken on the phone a few times. He is still married and come to find out has not told the wife we are communicating because he thinks she will be "weird" about it. I asked him about that because I like his wife and don't want to be secretive but I guess it's easier for him and spouses just don't accept friendships with members of the opposite sex, especially an old girlfriend.

I on the other hand have told everyone in my family including my boyfriend that I'm trading e-mails with this person. My theory is, I'm telling you and if you don't like it...oh well. I wouldn't have told you if there were anything to it.

We've been catching up on family, friends, and trading photos of the kids. It's been a lot of fun. I'm relieved we can finally be friends. Today our conversation was really interesting because it came around to why we didn't get married or why we broke up. It's interesting to me to see how different people have different memories of things and how different those memories can be.

As innocent as it all is I worry that he'll get himself in trouble with his wife and over nothing. I know his intentions are pure (he was the most loyal person I know) but you guys know that talking over the internet and such has an air of mystique to it and before you know it you're "liking" on the person on the other end. I don't want him to romanticize this. I've been wondering how to undermine the whole thing so he doesn't put a value on the friendship that seems so important that he should be found out and get himself in trouble. First of all, it surprised me for him to continue talking to me this long and to not tell his wife. Not his style at all. But I know its fun connecting with an old friend and the talks are interesting and I think we all fill a need we may be lacking somewhere else. For him, I think it's the conversation. A mutual girlfriend, when we were first dating, had said to me, "he can be really intense and deep and I know you can handle it."

So today I started planting the seeds to undermine myself a bit. He might be too smart for this but we'll see.

But how I really feel about it all is, it's been fun and interesting and intense in the sense that the conversation is dynamic. Remember I said we all fill a need....my boyfriend is soooo quiet you have to pull idle conversation out of him. And once you renew a friendship and when it's new you can't wait for the next time to talk again so you can cover ground not previously covered. Especially now that we're talking about our past together - we're understanding for the first time why things went down the way they did. What seemed especially important for him is why I left him. Kudos to me for tact and the skill of maintaining a man's ego. I understand his wanting to know and understand that because I desperately want to understand why someone else broke up with me going back a while. It's easier to move on if you know the truth.

Now I know what you're all thinking but be real - been there, done that. Left once before. In fact, if I didn't like him so much as a person or worry about what he could potentially do to his relationship by taking the trust away, I wouldn't try to undermine the new friendship. I think it's the only way to push him away without him relieving the past break-up. If I was nice about it he may see that as noble and find more reason to like me so I may just have to repel him intentionally. Haven't you ever made a new friend of the opposite sex and all of a sudden you start to find things not to like about your mate. I don't want that to happen. I know, I should give him more credit than that but I don't want to take any chances.

3 Comments:

At March 19, 2007 12:24 PM , Blogger Seamus said...

It always seems dicey renewing a friendship with an ex. Sometimes the expectations come unintentionally. Good luck with this. :)

 
At March 19, 2007 6:17 PM , Blogger tkkerouac said...

He probably still has a fantasy about you.
What do you think of rude, anon,commenters?

 
At March 20, 2007 4:46 PM , Blogger ~art said...

I think you should kill this before it gets out of control

 

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