Torn

I watched dad have a good week last week as he was once again weaned off the ventilator. He became vibrant and had promise. He seemed giddy at the prospect of doing so well and looking forward to getting rehab for his tired limbs.

Each time he has been weaned he reaches 7 days and CO2 builds up in his system preventing him from breathing without the machine. This week was no exception although their approach was slow in order for the best outcome. Everyone, the doctor, nurses, our family were so happy that he was doing so well and we really thought it would be a success.

On Saturday when I went to visit and he was in a deep sleep all during the day, I knew immediately that this was not a good sign. To me in meant that the CO2 was creeping up inside him making him sleep. On Sunday, he looked lethargic and slept some more. The blood gases were borderline which confirmed my fear.

Today, early in the wee hours he was placed on the venitlator once again, unfortunately, proving he is unable to breathe on his own.

I've been angry the past few days leading up to this. Not angry at dad, because I know he's tried. Not angry at God. Just angry. Angry that we can all breathe effortlessly...and dad cannot.

I was torn the past couple days because I could tell he needed to be placed back on the vent. Watching him sleep was like watching his body fail him and I felt like it was doing damage.

I sat with mom today from Noon to 1 p.m. as she wept, and I tried not to, as dad slept. I think this is a different sleep from the past couple days. I worry that these breathing trials, when they fail toward the end might be doing more damage.

His body is becoming more tired. His heart, his lungs, his kidneys. I worry that when he wakes he will become despondent upon learning that he just cannot do this. They indicated that they could try again.

I'm not sure.

I get instant headaches that won't go away no matter what I take.

Last night my mother felt a signal in the middle of the night and woke. This happened to her alot in the beginning and the signals were always right on.

I too felt a signal last night. It was difficult to ignore.

I will shower now to try to feel better and try to act normal the rest of the day. There's an air of gloom hanging over all of us.

Mom doesn't want dad to live on a ventilator. It's not either of their wishes. She made sure I knew this today in case this ever happens to her. She's strong. I know when she says it, she means it.