How I Really Feel Friday ~ it was a perfect day until

I had not expected to speak to the ex or for that matter discuss what occurred last Sunday, but he called the house phone (why don't I have caller i.d.?) and I picked up right when my stove's timer was ringing. I was making thin spaghetti with shrimp and a butter garlic sauce. He was calling to firm up arrangements for picking up my daughter on Mother's Day to take her to the Boston Red Sox game. (yes, Mother's day!)

I immediately started getting emotional and blurted out...
"And just so you know...blah, blah, blah."
"I could tell you were upset, I didn't mean it, I worry about you, blah, blah, blah."
"Well you don't have to worry about me, it's not your concern, blah, blah, blah."
"I feel lucky to get along with you. All the guys at work that are getting divorced are hateful and bitter with their exes, blah, blah, blah."
"Too late now, blah, blah, blah."
"Don't hold a grudge, blah, blah, blah."
"I know I'm just a big payday to you, blah, blah, blah."
"That's not true, blah, blah, blah."

I'm sure we'll get past it - we always seem to.

So I'm eating the shrimp scampi-ish dish while blogging and now that I've brought myself to the same level of upset as last Sunday, it's not half as enjoyable as it was going to be while I was taking care in delicately slicing the garlic and peeling the shrimp and sauteing the ingredients.

Motherfecker.

We seem to care now more about how we hurt one another's feelings then when we were together (at the end of course - which happened to be a very LONG end.)

The original point being that it was a glorious day until then.

So I ask myself, why do I still allow the "aura" of HIM to run me emotionally. I know I do. I could be in a happy relationship but yet I feel like I still seek acceptance from HIM. Maybe because nothing ever seemed good enough for him? Although I know he sees things differently now for the occasion where he tells me that in retrospect he appreciates certain things.

AND I am SO not a jealous person but my crazy emotions alluded to how thrilled I am when I get the weekly check from him from the joint checking account he now shares with his girlfriend. I think I would have blurted out every annoying thing that he's ever done to me if I could have talked over him while he was trying to talk over me to prove his point to me. Yes we were talking at each other. Both trying to get in the rebuttal from the previous statements.

Oy! All-in-all I feel better that I got it off my chest and let him know he hurt my feelings. I guess I wasn't going to be happy until I "delivered the mail to the right address."

So I will now make myself a cup of tea, clean up the mess in the kitchen and prepare for tomorrow. I'm very excited about tomorrow. I'm going to Ladies Range Day. A game and fishing club that puts on Ladies Range Day annually. I went last year and it was awesome. My girlfriend is coming along. My sister and her friend and a couple of her co-workers and mostly the whole company where I work will attend. I'll post more tomorrow and this year I'm bringing the camera to take a few photos. I found it to be the most relaxing and peaceful day last year. Forced relaxation where I can't think about anything but the moment at hand.

We will be placed in groups of women and go station to station and do things like: archery, trap and skeet, pistol target shooting, black powder and rifle, fishing and a demonstration of trained bird dogs. Yes, there was nothing more satisfying than shooting an M-16 and blowing up plastic gallon jugs of water.

Peace.