Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Curiosity Killed the Cat

So I talked to "him" one more time, because as you know, curiosity killed the cat. Me being the cat.

I asked, why after all this time did he contact me. "I was the best friend he ever had."

Ugh! He's in a relationship right now. Thanks for the info.

I mentioned that I wasn't willing to share any personal information and that if he was in a relationship, then why drive by. He asked, "Are you saying not to drive by?" He always did play word games and now I feel like he's playing mind games.

Anyway, the rest of the brief conversation doesn't matter. We parted with no cliffhangers and I got rid of his phone number.

Monday, May 08, 2006

Be careful what you wish for....

I went home early from work on Friday to cut the lawn because I had a very busy weekend. I had been having premonitions that a certain someone from the past was going to reappear in my life. I scare myself sometimes. Not only were my premonitions accurate, but I had it down to the actual day. As I dressed to go outside and cut the lawn, I was very careful about my selection. It was a very hot day. I put a tank top on. I wrapped a shirt around my waist trying to camoflauge my middle. I didn't realize it until afterwards, but the shirt I wrapped around my waist used to belong to the certain someone. This I remembered at 5:45am the following morning. (These situations always seem to mess with your head). As I cut the lawn in the front yard, I paid particular attention to the cars going by, as if I was waiting for someone.

The day went on, and I was out there for many hours. When I was half-way through the backyard an unfamiliar car drove by. It continued down the street and came back pulling up to the curb. I figured they needed directions. So I headed up the bank to do my duty and as I got closer and saw the person wave to was him. Initially I couldn't see in the window due to the glare of the sun and my dark shades I was wearing. Funny though, my heart didn't skip a beat. He no longer had the effect on me that he used to. I'm still harboring some anger towards him for not trying to contact me in the past 3 years or so.

I was shocked that he stopped and initiated contact. I guess I didn't want to make this meeting easy for him as he hurt me and the times I contacted him early on were awkward and unwanted by him. I felt like he was fishing a little for me to indicate that I was single or to invite him out of the car and talk with me. But I was all business. Courteous but I didn't offer personal information. I feel that he needs to be the one to make all the moves and be the vulnerable one and say what's on his mind or ask direct questions if he wants to know something. I certainly did in the past and no longer feel I can do that since he broke it off. Its all up to him. I feel like he doesn't have the right to know anything personal at this point. Although had he asked direct questions he would have received an answer. He hesitated in places in the conversation, I feel he was looking for more. I don't want to play guessing games. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. If you want to know something, ask. I don't feel like he stopped by just to say hello. I think he's ready to be back in my life. Otherwise, why stop?

The bottom line is, I probably, in that space in time could have orchestrated the rest of my life and given myself what I thought I always wanted. This was the moment that I waited for over the past 3-1/2 years. I suppose that's where some of the anger comes from....that I had to wait so long. He said he drives by all the time or occasionally. I told him that I figured he did. I'm certain he does this when I can't see him. An unfair advantage on his part. I think he's driven by enough to know that I live there alone. If he paid close attention I did allude, when asked what I've been up to, that I go to work and come home and do house/yard work. I also commented that I was shocked he stopped and that it only took 3 or 4 years. Are men smart enough to pick up these sublte comments or do I really have to hit him over the head with a brick. Why would I be so forthcoming upon the first meeting when he finally took a chance. I did let on without being concise that I knew he had a band by simply asking him about an event. It got the point across. Would this not make him see that I too have been doing my homework? I've been downright obsessed with this homework!

Quite honestly, I didn't share too much because I also didn't want to encourage him. I've been seeing someone for quite some time and I don't want to hurt anyone or get myself into a situation. I've had plenty of time to review this situation in my head because I always knew the day would come. So I handled myself perfectly. Every woman in America would have been proud of me.

So I could potentially take this leap into the arms of the man that was "the one" for me. I have a very comfortable life right now. My beau is a truly good guy. Not the bad boy, not the guy with the edge. The good boy. But this brings me peace and stability. I need that and apparently craved it. We have a nice life together. Our social life is fun and exactly what I wanted with a partner.

When I told a female friend what my day had brought me she unkowingly put it in perspective for me by asking, "your heart must have been pounding?" But it wasn't. I guess there's such a thing as waiting too long. He gave me too much time to think.

When he walked away from me it was because I was still attached. He probably felt that I took too long in doing what I needed to do. At the time he told me I was too good for him. I want to tell him that I always believed him and that I feel he's right, I am too good for him. I'm certain he hasn't repaired any of the things in his life that needed fixing. So why would now be better? Why would he be good enough for me now? If his love for me can't make him strive to do better than I know no ones love can.

There is such a thing as someone hurting you to the point where there's no going back. No matter how much you love them and know this is the person you are supposed to be with. I'm afraid he'd walk again. I'm not up to that anymore. I'm getting to old for that.

His mistakes in life would make for a difficult life together. Now, this wouldn't have bothered me before. I was up to the task because my love for him conquered all. But as I said, he now has given me way too much time to think.

I can't be certain if he'll contact me again or if he'll think I was too aloof and didn't give him a signal to contact me again. We'll see what he's made up of, won't we?

To me, there is no problem in a relationship big enough to not communicate and work on it IF YOU TRULY WANT TO. You can't walk away from that kind of love. It's careless. That kind of love doesn't happen too often.

I was tempted all weekend to contact him to talk but I made myself NOT DO IT. Fate will take its course...I've been letting it take its course all this time.